And there there'll be four!

It's a bit ridiculous that the last time I posted a proper post to my blog, Yusuf was just 7 months old and unbeknown to me I was about 5 weeks pregnant. Well I can be forgiven for not knowing then, I can even be forgiven for not knowing at my most recent post, a wordless wednesday, that I was roughly 12 weeks pregnant. But to only have a vague suspicion at 16 weeks...sound familiar?!

With Yusuf I only found out at 13 weeks and remember very clearly the shock I had at my first doctor's visit when I saw a fully formed baby on the scan. But at the time Sumayah was 21/2 years old and Bilaal was already pretty independent so the news of a surprise bun in the oven was not too overwhelming. But this time...

The first question that usually comes to mind is 'how could you not know?!' Well I had no nausea or fatigue and having stopped breastfeeding only two months before finding out, I actually did have a period when I changed contraceptives from the mini pill to something stronger. Of course I was already pregnant at the time, but had no reason to even suspect so. At around 16 weeks I certainly started to sport a little boep, but with the festive season upon us I assumed I was just getting fat! Those close enough to not feel embarrased to ask, did question whether there was indeed something baking, but that was always my standard response, 'no I'm just getting fat'.

Even when we eventually took a pregnancy test and that second blue line appeared within seconds, we still could not believe it. We were on holiday in Cape Town at the time and had to wait a whole two weeks before I could see a doctor for confirmation...confirmation?! Really?! Clearly those flutters I was feeling was NOT nerves!

So it was no surprise to me when the doctor announced at my very first visit  that I was already 19 weeks pregnant, almost halfway...and with another boy! Of course the gift of life is a joyous blessing, but I would be lying to myself is I denied the overwhelming feeling of fear, dread and guilt that came with this gift. The reality that Yusuf will only be one year and three months when the baby is born is scary enough as it is, but that we will also be parents of four...! I have come to realise that the gestational period of nine months is not only for the development of life inside you, it also for the mental and emotional preparation of parents. Finding out so late- as humorous as it may be- didn't do us any favours in preparing for the huge adjustments our little family unit will need to make. But as the time draws near, the preparations start to fall into place and our little man kicks up a storm every night, the excitement steadily grows and I am happy to say I can't wait to meet him!

It feels good to be back on the 'blogwagon' again, thanks to a little nudge and inspiration from a good friend who recently started her own blog over at From Nasima, With love, as well as my reverting back to Android. Mom of 3, soon to be 4, over and out...

You know you're a parent when...

In my blogging absence I often found myself lamenting via Facebook status updates about parenthood, using the phrase "you know you're a parent when..." as an opening line. It turns out Facebook has redesigned themselves giving you the nifty little tool to check your activity history. You can specify if you want to review only posts from you or on your timeline, photos, videos, comments you've made on any other wall, etc.  So I decided to see how far back these "you know you're a parent when..." posts go and was quite surprised to see the  first one was in March already. Since I am trying to resurrect my blog I thought it would be fitting to post a list of these on my blog and welcome any further additions to the list, so here goes:

You know you're a parent when...

• After 3 days without water, when it comes back on the first thing you think of is to bath the kids and put on a load of washing
• Your Google search history has phrases like 'frequency of poo' , 'stinky farts' and 'is it normal'...
• Just getting everyone ready and into the car to go out is an outing on its own!
• The CD playing in your car includes smash hits like 'hokey pokey' and 'the wheels on the bus'
• You find yourself cutting your own sandwich into 8 triangles out of habit
• You find yourself quoting lines and phrases from Cartoon Network and Cbeebies characters
• You can't use your front door because your foyer is used as a storage area for toys
• You have a conversation on the phone and mid sentence you start shouting and scolding and then just continue the conversation as though nothing happened!
• You develop stalker tendencies, like staring at little kids while they sleep or wanting to know what they are doing and where they are every second of the day
• Cleaning someone's face with your spit often seems like a good idea
• You think getting up at 8 am is sleeping in
• You look at yourself in the mirror and see dried baby cereal stuck to your forehead
• You find yourself having arguments about fashion first thing in the morning...with a 3 year old
• You refer to ears as ornaments
• You feel as proud of yourself as the person who just climbed Everest...because you got all the kids to bed before 9 without a fight
• You think something is wrong when the house is quiet
• The parties you attend serve candy floss, smarties, jumping castles and flings

Please feel free to add to the list :)

Big girl pants

I make no claims to be any kind of expert in potty training, but I realised 2nd time round, that successful, stress free potty training really depends on one very important thing...knowing yourself! I hear you saying 'huh? What does that have to do with anything?!' Well in truth it has alot to do with most things on the journey of parenthood. See I am one of those moms who read all the books and articles and websites on various parenting-related matters and there are always opposing views and conflicting ideas about parenting; potty training being one of them.  And what I've come to realise is that none of them are wrong; because all the different methods have both worked and failed. And when you examine each method and the reasons for them either working or failing, you will find the main difference is of course that the subjects, or in this case the parent and child is different. The key really is to have a very clear idea of your own strengths and weaknesses and apply them to the case. So if you are a hyper patient mom, who has the mental and physical endurance to put your child on the toilet every 15 minutes and the emotional patience to deal with accidents then by all means start the potty training process whenever you are ready. On the other hand, if like me you are under no delusions about your tethered and sometimes somewhat non-existent span of patience, and you have an averse reaction to 'accidents' then the key really is to take the lead from your child. I learned from my experience with Bilaal that I did not handle the whole potty training period very well, which had a negative impact on him, so I gave up and put him back on the nappy till one day he just started asking to use the toilet and then I knew he was ready. Of course going to school also plays a huge influence.

So this time with Sumayah I was a little more wise. As someone commented on one of fellow blogger Margot's posts: 'I'm sure it will sort itself out by the time they reach college'. I loved this comment and that's exactly the approach I will be taking. What's the rush? Eventually the kid will use the loo, sleep through the night, etc. If they are developing normally, the best thing we can do as parents is provide as stress free an environment as possible to foster that development. So the approach I took with Sumayah was to gradually introduce the idea of using the toilet, first by putting her on the toilet before bath time and encouraging her to tell me when she wanted to wee. I also always spoke about using the toilet everytime I changed her nappy. I tried using pull-ups for a while, but these proved to make nappy changing more difficult when she made a nr.2 so I abandoned that idea. There were a few toilet successes during this time and she just loved the idea of throwing water on her parts after 'using the toilet'. This went on for about 3 months when she started school. One thing I would definately advise is that potty training should not happen when there are big changes occuring in your child's life. For example, knowing that Sumayah was starting school this year I deliberately delayed official potty training till after I was happy that she was settled in school. I was hoping we could get the potty training well under way before baby nr.3 arrives, but would have been quite happy to delay it till after if I thought she wasn't ready. Changes like these are stressful to kids and will almost sure cause them to regress. Fortunately she was very ready and after a week of being settled in school and loving it, the potty training just occured naturally. I would send her to school in nappies and when I fetched her she wasn't wearing any. The teacher said she was starting to ask to go to the toilet and there were no accidents yet. But I didn't just jump in there and expect full compliance at home too, so I put a nappy back on when we got home, but asked her regularly if she wanted to go, and put her on the toilet everytime she had something to drink. I also told her that at the weekend we would go buy her some special pretty panties and constantly spoke to her about how she was going to wear big girl panties and how exciting it all was. So that's exactly what we did. The saturday we bought her pretty panties and when we got home she was very excited to wear them. I admit I was a bit apprehensive that she wasn't quite ready, but I didn't want to dampen her enthusiasm so off went the nappies. And what do you know, we went 4 straight days wearing panties and no accidents. I even braved the shops with panties on! Later that week there were about 3 accidents, 2 of them disgusting nr.2s, but these were all related to tantrum episodes that were occuring at the time. So far she has been off the nappy during the day time for 2 weeks now and completely asks to go out of her own now. I continued to put the nappy on at night though. As with Bilaal, I will wait to see dry nappies in the morning for at least a continuous week before leaving the nappy off. This week she surprised me by having 3 dry nights and asking to use the toilet when she woke in the morning. So we are well on our way to being a nappy free household... Well at least until baby arrives which could be any time within the next 6 weeks! Watch this space!

So much for 'No Tears'

In a previous post I was very impressed that Sumayah coped so well with her first 3 days of school. Then it was weekend and my folks visited the monday, so I kept her out of school till the thursday. I'm not sure if this is what caused the change, but suddenly the thursday she put up a huge performance that she didn't want to go to school. According the the teacher she cried for a whole hour after I left! The next day was slightly better, she apparently only cried 5 mins after I left. I put this down to the fact that she wanted to be with the grandparents and was hoping today would be better. Alas it wasn't so! She was very enthusiastic about going to school in the morning saying that she would be a good girl and not cry, all the way up to the classroom door in fact. But the minute we stepped into the classroom and she saw another little boy crying, she started to crumble. She started crying saying she wanted to go home and wrapping herself around my neck. There have been times, especially after weekends when she would cry when I left for work and it never bothered me then, perhaps because I knew she was happy and well taken care of at home with her beloved Abegail. But I guess because the school is new to me too, it makes it really hard to leave her like that and trust that we have made the right choice in sending her to school so young. Bilaal started school at the same age and I recall we also had a tearful start, but that just feels like ages ago. We've been so used to a kid who is always excited to go to school, even sometimes asking if he can go to holiday school, that I need to remind myself that Sumayah's reaction is perfectly normal. I just hope that with the normal day to day routine of life settling in this week that the school drop-off will become better. Of course one hurdle overcome usually marks the start of the next in the world of parenthood...for us that next hurdle is Potty Training!

Body language of a wasvrou

I can handle mischievious, I can handle naughty, I can handle the physicality of a wild reckless child who writes on walls and tries to 'climb' the curtains. But what I absolutely cannot handle, the thing that really makes my blood boil... is THE SULK. The sulk that says "I don't care what you do for me or give me, the only thing I care about is that one thing you said 'no' to". It's the behaviour that can really turn me into a ranting crazy woman, usually in the car, and to no effect at all! But what I realised just the other day, is that while I am 'losing it' in the privacy of my car, my body language displays this to everyone NOT in the car. I was shouting at Bilaal again while driving home from the shops and while shouting, I noticed the man in the car alonside me looking at me, but then he drove slightly ahead and I continued on my mission to get my point across to someone who wasn't listening to me anyway no matter how loud I 'spoke'. Then we stopped at a traffic light and I pulled up alongside same said driver. He looked at me again, and then his expression changed from a casual glance in my direction to shere fright. I swear all I could see was white eyeball as though he had just seen a ghost. All the while I was continueing with my rant, the other part of my brain was simultaneously registering that, hang on, the source of this man's fear... was me! As he was slightly ahead of me, looking back at me in the driver's seat, he couldn't see my kids in the car. All he saw was this crazy wasvrou with anger and frustration seething out of her eyes and they were glaring in his direction! Poor guy, he probably thought I was scolding at him! Now I know I should try to practice more patience and restraint with Bilaal, but boy is it hard, I just don't have the willpower. But this incident, while in retrospect I see the humour in it, has made me realise that I need to have even greater resolve to find the softestness and patience in me that for some wierd reason people always assume I have. Aah ya ne, we'll see if I can post all about my success in this regard in future.

Forget me not!

Yesterday a friend and I took the kids to the Mama Magic Baba Indaba at the Dome. On the website it said the Barney show was at 11am and 3pm, so we diligently arrived at 2pm with the idea that we would walk around till 2.30pm, go nice and early to the Barney show and then we can be on our way home by 3.30pm.... perfect planning right? Well we get there only to discover that the Barney show times are 1pm and 4pm! Now that just throws all our perfect planning out the window. Apparently the internet times were the old times from May that they forgot to change on the website! So that left us with 2 whole hours before the Barney show! Thankfully all 3 kids were pretty well behaved as we walked the expo flat and spent far too much money on things like nappy bins and refills (see Margot's blog post eau-de-baby-shit on this topic). Finally 3.30pm and we made our way to the grand finale of our expedition, the much anticipated Barney show. now for those of you who have not been, there is a 'pram park' facility, where you can park your pram in a secure area while you attend the show. But deary deary me, this mum had 'muis neste' as my hubby's garnny would say. I parked my pram, sorted my parcels, made sure I had the right bag with me and hurried to meet my friend outside the pram park, Bilaal in tow. As we were walking away from the pram, Bilaal asked me, "mommy is this a place to park the prams?"... "Yes Bilaal!"... "But mommy, what about Sumayah?!"

And that's when I realised, I was walking away from my pram with my child still strapped inside! I immediately went back and then Bilaal and I just burst out laughing. What a wonderful mother you have Sumayah, she leaves you in the pram park while she goes to the Barney show!

Because i can!

This morning Today I was allowed myself to be lazy. My little insomniac has been up to her old sleepless habits again this week, tossing and turning and moaning in her sleep, which meant I didn't get much sleep either. Thankfully being the end of the year, work has slowed down considerably, but to be honest I am still recovering from October when everything was at its peak. The students marks needed to be in, last meetings of the year, half term, and the biggest one of all... moving. So ending this week with little sleep has really tired me out. So this morning, after another night of a whole 2 hours sleep, after Yaasier and Bilaal had left I decided that I would play with Sumayah a little till she was tired, get her to sleep and crawl back into bed right next to her, and that's exactly what I did! We fell asleep at about 9am and when I woke again it was 11am... Sumayah slept till about 11.30am, just enough time for me to have a long hot shower... heavenly! By the time we tidied up and went downstairs it was time for Sumayah's lunch and then off the fetch Bilaal at school. I didn't bother with the morning dishes or doing any laundry (thank goodness as it ended up raining heavily) and all I took out of the freezer for supper is viennas. So tonight its oven chips and viennas for supper and I will see how I feel about giving the kids a bath! Because sometimes mommies deserve to be lazy and care-free and simply not give a damn ;)

Birth Order

A friend and fellow parent and Bilaal's school sent this to me. It is funny because it is so very true. Although reading it I think I may have skipped 2nd child behaviour in most cases and just went straight to acting like a 3rd time mum! Enjoy :)

BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN

Pregnancy:

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your doctor confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby : You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette :

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.


Dummy:

1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Nappies:

1st baby: You change your baby's nappy every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their nappy every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached...

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.


At Home:

1st baby : You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Swallowing Coins:

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin, you deduct it from his pocket money.


GRANDCHILDREN: God's reward for allowing your children to live!

I think they left a very important category out... the NAPPY BAG!

So here's my contribution:

1st child: you buy the best nappy bag you can afford and you make sure it is always stocked with everything you might possibly need in the event you get stranded on a remote island (even if you are just going to the shop for a loaf of bread)

2nd child: you downgrade to a more 'sensible' normal-looking bag that is at least big enough to carry a change of clothes and food

3rd child: you use your handbag that you sometimes remember to stuff a nappy and some wetwipes into and you don't bother with food, you can give a biscuit or buy some hot chips and an oros somewhere if the kid gets hungry.

A memo from your child

Yaasier brought home the Ar Rasheed newsletter last night and we were both drawn by this insert that was included by an unknown author titled 'A memo from your child'. We decided to keep it up on our fridge as a reminder of some of the basic things our children require from us. The interesting thing is that as simple as this list is, reading through it I was struck by how many I actually 'fail' to adhere to on a daily basis. Have a read through and see how many you succeed/falter on. Parenting really is a very hard and complex task. The sustenance, the love and the tending to daily physical needs is the easy part...

a memo from your child

re: Me

1. Do not spoil me. I know quite well that I ought not to have all I ask for. i am only testing you.
2. Do not be afraid to be firm with me. I prefer it. it lets me know where I stand.
3. Do not use force with me. it teaches me that power is all that counts. I will respond more readily to being led.
4. Do not be inconsistent. That confuses me and makes me try harder to get away with everything I can.
5. Do not make promises you may not be able to keep. That will discourage my trust in you.
6. Do not fall for my provocations when I say and do things that upset you. Then I will try for more such victories.
7. Do not be too upset when I say "I hate you". I do not mean it, but I want you to feel sorry for what you have done.
8. Do not make me feel smaller than I am.I will make up for it by behaving like a "big shot".
9. Do not do things for me that I can do for myself. It makes me feel like a baby, and I may continue to put you in my service.
10. Do not let my "bad habits" get me alot of attention. It only encourages me to continue them.
11. Do not correct me in front of people. I will take much more notice if you talk quietly with me in private.
12. Do not try to discuss my behaviour in the heat of a conflict. For some reason my hearing is not very good at this time and my cooperation is even worse. It is alright to take the action required, but lets not talk about it too late.
13. Do not try to preach to me. You'd be surprised how well I know what's right and wrong.
14. Do not make me feel that my mistakes are sins. I have to learn to make mistakes without feeling that I am no good.
15. Do not nag. If you do, i shall have to protect myself by appearing deaf.
16. Do not demand explanations for my wrong behaviour. I really do not know why I did it.
17. Do not tax my honesty too much. I am easily frightened into telling lies.#
18. Do not forget that I love and use experimenting. I learn from it, so please put up with it.
19. Do not protect me from consequence. I need to learn from experience.
20. Do not take too much notice of my small ailments. I may learn to enjoy poor health if it gets me too much of your attention.
21. Do not put me off when I ask "honest" questions. If you do, you will find that I stop and seek information elsewhere.

Things that impress

At every stage of life there are things you have in common with people in a similar stage that are foreign to those who aren't. Like when you have a long term boyfriend/partner/spouse and you bore your single friends to death with your rants and raves about partnerdom. Or when you are pregnant and you lose all ability to converse on any other topic and suddenly it becomes okay to discuss perineum exercises and the state of your cervix in front of all and sundry.

So naturally when you have children you tend to speak about them to anyone who will listen (even if we don't realize it). But what never ceases to amaze me is the type of things we in the world of parenthood find amazing and wonderful and wonder why others look at us strangely with a sarcastic 'o-k, that's gr-e-a-t!' expression. For example the first time baby rolls over or lifts its head. Or the first time baby can burp on its own or makes his first single syllable gurgle. And how happy we are that baby's poo is the right colour, quantity, smell and consistency! Then they start growing into their little-personness and then we really can't help bragging about the fact that they can say 'ta' or 'dada' or have 4 teeth!

But I guess babies being cute and all, some non-parents often do share in the cuteness of these little milestones. I find I now have a growing child and the things that I am proud of can seem very insignificant to the non-parent. For example Bilaal has recently mastered the art of tying his own shoe laces. It didn't take long and I remember how he came running to me so excited and said, 'look mommy I tied my own laces' and I was bursting with pride. Or how impressed I am when he can write simple words. I can only imagine the state I will be in the first time he dons his grade 1 uniform!

Lost... Sense of Sillyness... If found please return

I have always thought of myself as a patient person, but in reality I am not. This has become particularly apparent to me since Bilaal was a toddler. But the worst thing is that this lack of patience has sapped my sense of sillyness over the years. In one of my very early posts I spoke about positive parenting... well that's easier said than done. So you may be wondering what on earth am I blabbering on about...

You see I realise that I have lost my sense of humour somewhere along the continuum of the humdrum of child rearing activities. Bilaal is naturally very playful, as children should be, but I often miss opportunities to be simply silly and horse around and laugh at stupid things because I'm always trying to get things done. This was made apparent to me by Sumayah,s reactions to Bilaal when he does silly things. Things that annoy me or feels like time-wasting is adored by Sumayah. She loves it when he tries to give her a fright with a big 'Boo!' or pretends to fall over putting on his pyjama pant, or when he throws the soft toy against my head while I am dressing her. Tonight I was getting annoyed as usual for something silly he was doing, I can't even remember anymore what it was and I stopped and said to myself, 'Heellloo! Lighten up! Have a laugh!'

I don't remember when last I tickled Bilaal till we both couldn't laugh anymore or chased him around the house for no reason or gave him a good old fright... I don't want to be a boring mom. I want to be fun and exciting to be around and not just the one who takes care of his basic needs. It's gonna take work, but I need to get back in touch with my inner child.

Wordless Wednesday 11

Fantasy vs Reality

The Tooth Fairy (or  in our case the mouse), Father Xmas, magic... these are all the familiar fantasy realms we are familiar with that fill our children's minds with a sense of wonderment and splendor. But there are more comples lines between feeding into the fantasy and teaching the reality. With Bilaal now entering the age of reasoning and the need to understand things... you know... the what, when and why age... I am constantly battling with this line.

For instance Bilaal will often ask me about the programmes or adverts he watches on T.V.
Is it real?
Are they really doing that?
Can I go there?
etc, etc

So when do i go with him on that ride of fantasy and say, yes the magical forest in the Baker's biscuit advert where all magical creatures steal the biscuits falling out of the childrens buckets is real...
or should I endeavour to teach him about the principles of marketing and not trusting and believing everything on t.v. when some beer advert makes it look like drinking it will make it snow.

Or maybe he shouldn't watch so much T.V?
But the thing is he doesn't, and its not just t.v. I want him to be a child and believe that magic is real and that wonderful things can happen if you just use your imagination, but I also want him to learn about the world and how it works.

Aah parenthood...