Confessions of a sleep deprived mom

Yusuf's back molars are coming out. His gums are hot and swollen and all he wants to eat is porridge or yoghurt or his bottle. Couple all that with the attachment phase suddenly washing over him and you have a pretty sleepless, miserable child who just wants mummy to hold him. This is so out of character for him that despite all his troublesome baby woes you still see flashes of brilliant chirpyness and delight in between the whinging, whining and tantrums. Ah yes the tantrums! How could I forget to mention those. I thought they only reared their ugly head closer to two, but not little Yusuf! He is turning out to be a rather determined, knows-what-he-wants little individual who has discovered the fantastic communicative powers of the tantrum!

But this is not what I have turned to my blog to to confess. There have been a few restless nights this week, but all of them usually ended in a good stretch of sleep after about 1am. But last night was particularly horrible. Last night Yusuf woke unsettled at about 11am and try as I might he was in and out of sleep for the next 4 hours. And when he eventually did doze off sprawled across my ever growing belly where another baby tried to kick him off from the inside, it only lasted about an hour. So there I was up again at 4h30 putting him back to sleep with the threat of the weekly morning alarm looming. It was last night for the first time that I experienced those old familiar feelings I had many a night with Sumayah...this time toward Yusuf. With every time he woke again or stood up in his cot and cried or wriggled next to me in the bed to get to the tissue box or arched his back crying when I tried to hold him across my chest the feelings of frustration, turned irritation, turned anger, turned resentment, turned...yes I'll use that disgusting word no mother ever wants to admit...hate...those feelings metamorphosised in the silent darkness of the night. And as any mother whose experienced this will tell you, the night feels endless and those feelings eventually want to release from its cacoon into a river of tears. All the while your head tells you that you are just tired and your pregnant body is just uncomfortable and stiff from holding a baby inside and outside all night and that these negative emotions you are feeling are probably contributing to your child's sleeplessness...and then morning arrives and a new day begins and with it... a tired, hormonal, pregnant mother...with an enormous amount of guilt!

Guilt for feeling such bad things toward your soft, innocent, cuddly, lovable, little baby who just wanted mummy to make him feel better in the dark ugly night. Guilt for not helping him feel comforted, and guilt for still being irritated with him the next morning. But it's amazing what a cup of sweet, hot tea, a morning snooze and a good shower can do to refresh a tired soul. I made sure I spent some good quality time with Yusuf thus morning, pushing my to do list to one side to just BE with him. I made sure to give him lots of hugs and cuddles and kisses and even had a bit of a nap with him instead of using it as an opportunity to get stuff done. He is still crabby and miserable (as you would be if you had giant sharp teeth pushing through your soft tender gums). But we are friends again, and I think he knows that I love him.

More sleepless nights!

I tried walking with her, sitting, rocking, I tried patting and swinging, I tried singing, humming, shoosing and silence, I tried lying in the bed with her on my chest, and I tried putting her between us in the bed, I tried patting her in the cot, I tried leaving her in the cot... I tried every trick I could think of, but 1 hour turned into 2 hours, turned into 3 hours and still no sleep!

Okay so this happened on Wednesday night and then again last night. I think what is aggravating an already restless sleep situation is that the top tooth is on the verge of breaking through the gum and this is causing cramps with runny tummy. So I found myself on Wednesday night so frustrated and at my wits end that I said to Sumayah, "Right, if you are not interested in sleeping then let's stay up!" and I stormed downstairs with her at about 11.30pm with the intention of going online and venting through my blog. To my shock and horror I discovered that Yaasier and I had completely forgotten about the dishes. Ordinarily if it was only a few things I would've just given an 'oh well' shrug and left it for the next morning, but this was a mountain of cooking and dinner dishes and I just have this obsession with not leaving the kitchen in such a state over night. So there I was at 11.30 at night washing dishes, while Sumayah happily sat in her feeding chair and watched me. Yep the little bugger didn't make a squeak, she was totally satisfied with our little midnight 'party'. Then just as I was wrapping up thinking that she should be lekker sleepy now... she vomited! Not alot, but just enough chunks of her supper to have to remove the whole feeding chair cover carry her with the cover and the rag doll she vomitted on carefully upstairs to sort out in the bath. Now there was no room for feelings of anger and frustration at this point because I was feeling so sorry for my poor little girl who had to be stripped down in the cold of the night and rinsed off and changed into clean pjs! She was crying so bitterly and I worked as quickly as possible to get her warm and cosy again. Once she was warm and settled I had to give the items in the bath a rinse before finally going back to bed. At least the whole ordeal tired her out enough to fall asleep... in our bed of course!

Well, the same sleep battles occurred last night, but this time I didn't get to go downstairs for a midnight 'party'... no, at about 12.30 I realised Sumayah was making a no.2 and knowing that she has the squirts, I lifted her up, and thank god I did that, because she made such a monstrosity that it was spilling out the side of her nappy all down her pj pants and fortunately my fast action mommy manoevre prevented it from dirtying the bedding (although one chunk did make its way onto the carpet!). So back we were in the bathroom playing out our little midnight wash scenario and the added  excitement of cleaning the little mess on the carpet too.

At 2am we finally got some shuteye.. in the bed of course! Let's see what drama tonight holds shall we?!

Sleep Training Night 2 & 3

I haven't had time... correction... I've been lazy to update my blog regarding the whole sleep training debacle, but here goes. Night 2 went pretty well. We broke the rules slightly in the beginning, because she's just so warm and cuddly so the closeness and affection is often for our own benefit too! So anyway she fell asleep lying on Yaasier's chest, but of course not long after he put her in the cot she woke up crying. Surprisingly I was very calm and relaxed about the whole thing. I don't know if the previous night just gave me confidence that it could be done? So anyway, I picked her up for hardly even a minute just to comfort her then put her back down drowsy but awake. She fussed a little, but I kept my hand on her and susshed a little and hey presto! lala land! I can't remember what time this was, but the next time she cried was about 1.30am. She may not have lasted as long as the previous night, but it didn't require much to get her to sleep again... just a light pat and a sush and in minutes she was sleeping again. She woke again at about 4am with the same results, till finally when she woke at about 7am, I fed her.

Night 3 was a real success in my eyes. I discovered that she finds comfort playing with the label on the corner of her comforter. So when I put her in her cot at bedtime, again drowsy but awake, I placed the label in her hand. She gave this adorable little droopy-eyed smile and slept! She did wake at about 10.30pm, but I think she was just getting a bit cold because I forgot to put the balnket on her once she was asleep. Once I covered her lightly she dozed off again all the way till about 4.30am. Once or twice she creid in her sleep, but then slept on. I'm taking it as a good sign that she is in fact learning to self-soothe during the night. She was a bit restless when she woke at 4.30am and when it was appraoching 5am I figured I may as well feed her, which is what I did. She fell asleep again at 5.30am and only woke again at 8am this morning. It may not seem all that wonderful to those who enjoy a full night's sleep, but for this sleep deprived momma it was bliss!

Tonight when I put her in her cot very much awake she was happily playing with the label again. I think I should get her one of those taglet blankets. After about 10 minutes she became restless. I sat with her susshing her until she fell asleep. Although it took about 40 minutes for her to fall asleep, miraculously there was very little crying. During that time I had been in and out of the room a few times and she only cried out a few times toward the end when the tiredness was becoming too much for her to handle. Now we shall see how the rest of the night pans out.

However, I am very much anticipating another bout of teething in the horizon, so let's hope the sleep training can be sorted before then!

The tooth has emerged!

Yay! There was one particularly miserable day and voila! the tooth emerged. Now all it has to do is push upwards. So for now Sumayah is very pleasant during the day... until the next tooth breaks through that is! She still wakes every hour from midnight onward, but at least I don't have to rock her to sleep or anything. Most times I can just pat her or put the dummy in her mouth. As I said in a previous post, it's amazing how little sleep one can actually function on!

There's been quite a few other happenings since the new year... 2010 definately has some change in its pockets! For one, I have decided that I need to ease back into work, get back into my field in particular. I started my Masters when Bilaal was born, but put it on hold when we moved to the UK. I would really like to finish it, but I need to get back into the field of practice before I can do that. However as I've said before I really want to continue being the main carer to my kids if I can so I will only be working part-time. So that left the question of childcare for Sumayah. I explored different options, sought advice from various sources and have since decided to try the employ of the lady who currently works for me once a week. My husband's granny is staying with us for a while so it's the perfect opportunity to ease into it and she can suss out this lady's ability to handle Sumayah during the day. So I will in all likelihood be posting about how this is going in the near future.

Then there's the matter of Bilaal turning 5! I've been on the internet looking for castle cakes because we having a little bash for him at this place called Fantasy Park where they've got a fort and castle maze and so on so I thought I'd do a whole 'Knight and Lady' theme. With him turning 5, also comes applications for grade R for next year. For a long time now I've felt that my toddler is officially gone and in his place this... boy has appeared almost overnight! On the one hand I am enjoying his independence and ability to do things for himself, but on the other hand I miss that little doting boy who used to hug me and smother me with kisses and used to tell me every single day without fail, "mommy you beautiful". Also with an independent mind comes whole new way of communicating and reasoning. I have to remind myself to try not to get annoyed by his constant questions about EVERYTHING! I know that is a normal, important stage of development, but it can be sooo tiresome! Nonetheless he really is a charming boy and no matter how irritated I sometimes get... I love him to bits!

Make your appearance dear Tooth!

For the past few weeks now the ridge of Sumayah's bottom centre tooth has been just visible, but no swollen gums. There's been drool enough to fill a river, but alas, the tooth is yet to emerge. So yesterday I noticed the tooth just next to it is also peering through the gums. Now I'm starting to think these damn teeth are taunting me... perhaps because they know I am looking for an excuse to make pancakes? But seriously, when will these teeth finally emerge. Last night Sumayah was very restless, waking every 30 to 60 minutes. And usually when I hold her she sleeps, but not this night. When I eventually brought her to the bed just to get some shut eye, she just kept wriggling and moaning. So I can only assume it's the gums that are bothering her. I put teejel on but it only helped for about an hour. So if it is the teeth I can only hope that they will show there tiny heads soon!

Sleep, Oh Sleep! Wherefore art thou sleep?!

It's amazing how little sleep one can actually operate on. For the past 2 weeks Sumayah has been acting like a little insomniac. I don't know if its because she's teething, is she hungry, does she have cramps, bad dreams? What? I guess with parenting it's like you the parent are a scientist and the baby is the experiment of cause and effect. You have to experiment by trial and error on the little kid to figure out what the bloody hell is making her wake every hour in the night.

Just when Sumayah established a nice little textbook 'Baby Sense' routine of sleeping after her last feed at around 8 till about 4 am sometimes even 5 am for a feed... suddenly the 'witching hour' as I like to call it enters our lives. It started with her always crying in her sleep at 3 am, only settling with a feed. Whether I last fed her at 8 pm or 12, she always cried out at 3 am! Ok I could deal with that, but then all hell broke loose. Suddenly she only managed to sleep about an hour when the restlessness kicked in. She would cry in her sleep about every 15 to 30 minutes right up unitl the wretched witching hour - 3 am. Except she no longer just wanted to be fed, she now wants to be wide awake and playing - not on her own in her cot of course!So I find myself lying awake in bed at 3 am  with the little munchkin playing with my face and hair and trying to chew my chin. No amount of rocking or patting will get her to settle into sleep mode until about 4 am when some magical switch in her brain decides 'ok time to get some sleep'. This is when I finally get about 3 hours of shut eye, till she wakes at about 7 am.

I have tried panado, homeopathic drops, buscopan, teejel, telement drops... any other suggestions? There are some nights when something works and she has an OK night, but I try to repeat everything the same and lo and behold the result is not the same! If it is because she's teething,I really hope they break through soon! Bilaal's teeth all took very long to break through. Each tooth took about a month to come out! And come to think about it he was also a very poor sleeper at this age.

Well here's to hoping things will improve soon...