Wordless wednesday 87

Confessions of a sleep deprived mom

Yusuf's back molars are coming out. His gums are hot and swollen and all he wants to eat is porridge or yoghurt or his bottle. Couple all that with the attachment phase suddenly washing over him and you have a pretty sleepless, miserable child who just wants mummy to hold him. This is so out of character for him that despite all his troublesome baby woes you still see flashes of brilliant chirpyness and delight in between the whinging, whining and tantrums. Ah yes the tantrums! How could I forget to mention those. I thought they only reared their ugly head closer to two, but not little Yusuf! He is turning out to be a rather determined, knows-what-he-wants little individual who has discovered the fantastic communicative powers of the tantrum!

But this is not what I have turned to my blog to to confess. There have been a few restless nights this week, but all of them usually ended in a good stretch of sleep after about 1am. But last night was particularly horrible. Last night Yusuf woke unsettled at about 11am and try as I might he was in and out of sleep for the next 4 hours. And when he eventually did doze off sprawled across my ever growing belly where another baby tried to kick him off from the inside, it only lasted about an hour. So there I was up again at 4h30 putting him back to sleep with the threat of the weekly morning alarm looming. It was last night for the first time that I experienced those old familiar feelings I had many a night with Sumayah...this time toward Yusuf. With every time he woke again or stood up in his cot and cried or wriggled next to me in the bed to get to the tissue box or arched his back crying when I tried to hold him across my chest the feelings of frustration, turned irritation, turned anger, turned resentment, turned...yes I'll use that disgusting word no mother ever wants to admit...hate...those feelings metamorphosised in the silent darkness of the night. And as any mother whose experienced this will tell you, the night feels endless and those feelings eventually want to release from its cacoon into a river of tears. All the while your head tells you that you are just tired and your pregnant body is just uncomfortable and stiff from holding a baby inside and outside all night and that these negative emotions you are feeling are probably contributing to your child's sleeplessness...and then morning arrives and a new day begins and with it... a tired, hormonal, pregnant mother...with an enormous amount of guilt!

Guilt for feeling such bad things toward your soft, innocent, cuddly, lovable, little baby who just wanted mummy to make him feel better in the dark ugly night. Guilt for not helping him feel comforted, and guilt for still being irritated with him the next morning. But it's amazing what a cup of sweet, hot tea, a morning snooze and a good shower can do to refresh a tired soul. I made sure I spent some good quality time with Yusuf thus morning, pushing my to do list to one side to just BE with him. I made sure to give him lots of hugs and cuddles and kisses and even had a bit of a nap with him instead of using it as an opportunity to get stuff done. He is still crabby and miserable (as you would be if you had giant sharp teeth pushing through your soft tender gums). But we are friends again, and I think he knows that I love him.

Meet Yusuf

Although I have blogged about Yusuf before, I don't think I ever truly reflected on the influence he's had on my life, and who this unique little addition to our family really is. Partly due to my long blogging absence, partly due to the fact that, post hospitalisation for bronchiolitis, post needing grommets at 2 months old; Yusuf has been a pretty 'easy' baby. He has always been, and continues to be a cheerful little soul, smiling more than not, sleeping well more than not, always interactive and loving toward everyone. Don't misunderstand...I am not claiming that everything is breezy this time round. He gets sick very often, which any parent knows is very stressful and tiring. But even at his most miserable, he'll always find room for a smile. I'm aware it may just be that in contrast to Sumayah, who woke up 10 days after her birth and just turned our world upside down, raising Yusuf seems less...challenging. And while that spirited, lively nature is what we love about Sumayah, it is a stark, yet refreshing contrast to have such a joyful and contented child.

At this age, glimpses of a child's personality usually starts to emerge and as I get to know this new little man in my life I thought it only fitting to celebrate his existance through my blog. As young as he is, he already knows how to turn on the charm. He has this way of looking at you that makes you want to give him the world! Now that he's walking he is crazy busy,he loves being outdoors, and as much as it makes him behave very mischievously, I absolutely adore his natural curiosity. And with that curiosity comes real determination, a trait I hope I nurture rather than cripple in attempts to keep him out of harms way. It amazes me how, after only one year in this world he is able  to  figure things out just by trying again and again and how quickly he already learns from our actions and behaviours. This also happens to be the age when separation anxiety kicks in and he is definately showing signs of attachment to me. If I had to describe him in just one word?...Joyful! And I love him to bits.

Whatsonyourblogginmind

My dear friend and one of my indispensible support pillars Nasima has started her own blog titled From Nasima, With Love. Nasima just so happens to be one of my first and biggest blog fans when I started this journey almost four years ago. And while I have drifted in and out of the blogosphere, Nasima has steadily relished her private time engaging with the expressions of others. So I am so excited that she has finally taken the plunge and joined our blogommunity of mom bloggers. I dedicate this post to her because I have enjoyed reading her posts so much that it is she who has in fact inspired me to reconnect with my own blog once again.

And in typing up this post it got me thinking about how much I admire the gusto with which she came into this world of public self-disclosure, but also how much I value the support I have from friends like her, both near and far. My blog has always been about my kids and their antics, and the occasional rant about the frustrations I feel within my role as mom. But I don't think I have ever given a truly personal reflection of my own emotional journey as a person and a mom. When Nasima openly introduced herself to the blogosphere declaring her struggles with postnatal depression I had such admiration. Its rather ironic that as a mental health professional myself I advocate for being open about the emotional and mental struggles human beings inevitably face, yet I myself find it incredibly difficult to admit feeling defeated or vulnerable at times. And this is where that network of friends are so invaluable...starting with my best friend...my hubby. I never blog about him because even more so than me he is an intensely private person. So I have never felt it my right to blab about him to the world in this space. But in doing so I have also not shared one of the most crucial facets of myself as an individual and as a parent in this space. Yaasier and I have been on a gloriously eventful adventure together, through the 3 years before we were married and the 11 years since, and now we are about to extend that journey with yet another passenger in tow. And I love him even more as our journey continues...

But of course every gal needs her girlfriends and I am so lucky to have the kind of 'sisters' who are always ready with a sympathetic ear, a non-judgemental ear, and don't expect anything in return. The kind of friends that you don't need to be in contact with everyday to feel you can reach out when a helping hand is needed. And Nasima Joulay happens to be one such friend to me. I can only hope that I reciprocate sufficiently. So whoever you may be who reads my blog, do pop on over to From Nasima, with Love over at www.whatsonyourblogginmind.blogspot.com and enjoy.

From Tasneem, with Love :)

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Wordless Wednesday 70

Wordless wednesday 51

Cuter by the Day

Sumayah just gets cuter, more adorable by the day. She drives me nuts sometimes, but I love her to bits! And now we are approaching her 2nd birthday and while I can't believe how quickly the time has passed and how fast she is blossoming into the beautiful, animated full-of-life character that she is; at the same time it feels as though she has been part of our lives for much longer than 2 years. She's been singing Happy Birthday all week and when you ask her how old she's going to be she she's '4'! I find I'm actually looking forward to her party because I can't wait to see her excitement when we give her presents and she sees her cake and all her little friends. Especially because she is such an expressive little girl, yes it means she can be quite the drama queen, but its also what makes her special.

Wordless Wednesday 49

'Mommy, are you in love?'

This was a question Bilaal asked me a few months back already and since then the topic has come up a few times. On this occasion, while driving home from school, the conversation went something like this:
B: Mommy, are you in love?

Me: Why do you ask? What do think it means to be in love?

B: No mommy, I asked you first.

Me: I know, but I just want to know what you think it means...

B: Mommy! First answer my question.

Me: ok, but then you must answer my question too okay?... Yes I am in love, I'm in love with your daddy... Now answer my question, what do you think it means to be in love?

B: It means when you think about a person all the time, and want to be with them all the time...

Me: Ok (in an impressed tone). So what made you ask me that?

Long pause, followed by giggly, shy body language and the finally,

B: it's a secret, I'm too shy to say...

Me: Don't be shy, just tell me...

B: (in a shy quiet voice) because I think I'm in love...

This time the silence is from me, half amused, half taken aback that this conversation was already happening at age 6!

Me: Oh ok... So who do you think you're in love with?

B: you know!

And I did know and to understand why I need to provide some background. In December last year my sister-in-law got married and Bilaal was pageboy. He took this role very seriously as did the 2 flower girls. He also spent some time with his second cousins and got along famously. If you know Bilaal or have been following this blog, you will know that he inherently is a real gentleman. This makes hime very popular with the girls, and his flower girls were no exception. So I had a suspicion it might be one of them.

Me: is it someone in Cape Town?

B: yes

Me: is it... Nafisa?

B: Yes... But actually... It's 2...

Me: 2?!

B: It's 2 that I'm in love with

Me: you mean Imaan also?

B: yes... Mommy can you love more than 1 person at the same time?

Me: well... First I think you need to know that there's a difference between being in-love and loving someone.

So I go into a whole explanation about the difference as best I can, using the example of how I love him and Sumayah and his grandparents, but that I am in-love with his dad. And then if I thought the conversation wasn't complex enough, he asks me 'so you can't marry more than 1 person at a time?'

Hmmm.. How to answer this question... Considering we are muslim where it is permissable (under very specific circumstances only) and given that our dear president has what 4 wives?

I decided to give him an honest answer, which ended up being a whole discussion about different beliefs and cultures and how the rules and laws that 'allows' us to do certain things like have more than one partner is affected by these.

In the end, I hope, he came away with the message that it is best to try to find that one special you want to have a life with and build a family with... Just like ours ;-)!

movie clip monday 6 - Happy Valentines Day Everyone!