Ready or not...

It is 23h04 and the sounds of giggling and pitter patter footsteps and rattling beds have finally stopped in the room of the 2 monkeys. I'm lying in the quiet darkness with Yusuf sprawled across my chest, just above my ever lowering bump, wondering how the fudge we are going to be ready for the one thats busy dancing in my belly?!

I saw the doctor twice this week. I won't go into the details, but I needed to see the doc before my scheduled appointment and was placed on something called an NST or non-stress test machine which monitors baby's heartbeat as well as possible contractions. The doc was  initially concerned that there appeared to be a skip in baby's heartbeat but this seemed to resolve after a while. Although doc was happy with everything else, as a precaution she instructed me to come again for the NST the following morning and be prepared for the possibility that she might admit me for further monitoring. Thankfully it didn't come to that, but it certainly had me lamenting the stark reality that there is a baby on it's way...soon! Aside from the fact that finding out so late made this a very short pregnancy, I also never entertained the possibility that I could labor early. Partly because... well thats not how we roll and probably more so because I don't want that to be the case. I just don't feel ready...

Bilaal and Sumayah were both born a day or 2 past due date, while Yusuf was 3 days early. But all 3 pregnancies brought great anticipation and eagerness for birth to happen from the magical 37 week milestone already, fondly known as being 'term'. But this time is so completely different. This time, even though I am excited to meet our little man I feel as though I am not yet ready for him. And yet this time round I feel my body preparing much sooner for the big event. The  reality is, whether we are ready or not, this baby will be born exactly when he is supposed to be born and that unknown, that uncertainty scares me. And it is for that reason that I find myself blogging at this crazy hour instead of trying to get some sleep between Yusuf's bouts of restlessness.

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Confessions of a sleep deprived mom

Yusuf's back molars are coming out. His gums are hot and swollen and all he wants to eat is porridge or yoghurt or his bottle. Couple all that with the attachment phase suddenly washing over him and you have a pretty sleepless, miserable child who just wants mummy to hold him. This is so out of character for him that despite all his troublesome baby woes you still see flashes of brilliant chirpyness and delight in between the whinging, whining and tantrums. Ah yes the tantrums! How could I forget to mention those. I thought they only reared their ugly head closer to two, but not little Yusuf! He is turning out to be a rather determined, knows-what-he-wants little individual who has discovered the fantastic communicative powers of the tantrum!

But this is not what I have turned to my blog to to confess. There have been a few restless nights this week, but all of them usually ended in a good stretch of sleep after about 1am. But last night was particularly horrible. Last night Yusuf woke unsettled at about 11am and try as I might he was in and out of sleep for the next 4 hours. And when he eventually did doze off sprawled across my ever growing belly where another baby tried to kick him off from the inside, it only lasted about an hour. So there I was up again at 4h30 putting him back to sleep with the threat of the weekly morning alarm looming. It was last night for the first time that I experienced those old familiar feelings I had many a night with Sumayah...this time toward Yusuf. With every time he woke again or stood up in his cot and cried or wriggled next to me in the bed to get to the tissue box or arched his back crying when I tried to hold him across my chest the feelings of frustration, turned irritation, turned anger, turned resentment, turned...yes I'll use that disgusting word no mother ever wants to admit...hate...those feelings metamorphosised in the silent darkness of the night. And as any mother whose experienced this will tell you, the night feels endless and those feelings eventually want to release from its cacoon into a river of tears. All the while your head tells you that you are just tired and your pregnant body is just uncomfortable and stiff from holding a baby inside and outside all night and that these negative emotions you are feeling are probably contributing to your child's sleeplessness...and then morning arrives and a new day begins and with it... a tired, hormonal, pregnant mother...with an enormous amount of guilt!

Guilt for feeling such bad things toward your soft, innocent, cuddly, lovable, little baby who just wanted mummy to make him feel better in the dark ugly night. Guilt for not helping him feel comforted, and guilt for still being irritated with him the next morning. But it's amazing what a cup of sweet, hot tea, a morning snooze and a good shower can do to refresh a tired soul. I made sure I spent some good quality time with Yusuf thus morning, pushing my to do list to one side to just BE with him. I made sure to give him lots of hugs and cuddles and kisses and even had a bit of a nap with him instead of using it as an opportunity to get stuff done. He is still crabby and miserable (as you would be if you had giant sharp teeth pushing through your soft tender gums). But we are friends again, and I think he knows that I love him.

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Mild Panic

Its 3am and I find myself wide awake, a plethora of thoughts running amok inside my head. I am 34 weeks this week, which means that in just 4 weeks I will be considered term and then the waiting game begins. With all 3 previous pregnancies I started to get excited, almost impatient for time to scurry along, hoping my baby would make an early appearance. This time is very different. This time I would be quite happy if number 4 would stay snug and cosy just a little past his due date on 10 June.

Up until now all the things we had decided to put in place in preparation for our growing family had fallen into place as planned.  But now one huge, very tangible arrangement remains...the baby's 'place'. Usually by this time in my pregnancies I would have the baby's cot set up and ready for his arrival, the 'layette' would be all packed in its place ready for use and my hospital bag would be packed and ready for action. Not this time...this time there is no visible evidence of a new baby's imminent arrival. And mild panic has started to set in just tonight.

I remember one of the first questions Bilaal asked me when I told him I was pregnant was ''where's the baby gonna sleep?!'' It was funny at the time, but now the reality of that need is drawing closer and its freaking me out that I am not yet prepared. See we decided to get bunk beds and move Bilaal into the bigger room with Sumayah, with Yusuf then moving into the smaller room with spare bed for those cold winter nights when one parent inevitably will need to settle him in the night. The problem is we are having the beds as well as chest of drawers custom made and were hoping to have them all last week already. Well week one of May has come and gone and still no furniture.

Yesterday I started sorting all the toys and storage space in the shed, but the much needed sorting of the clothes and sleeping space is held up by the arrival of our furniture. So here I am starting to have a mild panic about the preparations that still needs to be carried out and a sense of time running out looming over me!

So baby, as much as I am excited to meet you, please stay comfy for as long as you can so that mummy and daddy can get everything perfect for your arrival.

Beautiful Women

I am busy compiling a photobook for Sumayah. I realised that while Bilaal has albums of printed photographs, Sumayah has but the handful we printed for the frames on our walls. And she loves looking at Bilaal's baby albums, sometimes pretending they are her pictures. So I thought I owe it to her to make her her very own baby album at least before yet another baby arrives to compete for some of her much loved attention. So for the past 2 months I've been painstakingly sifting through all the digital copies of photographs taken over the last three and a half years since she was born. Of course with family living far away there are not that many of her with her grandparents, or aunts and uncles. So I asked my sister to send me any photos she had of Sumayah and she sent me the most beautiful pictures from her wedding day just over two years ago. And it got me thinking about the beautiful women in my life and how fortunate I am to have had them be part of my life, helping to shape who I am today. Sumayah often asks me to read Sleeping Beauty as a bedtime story and I think about how the good fairies came to the princess's christening bearing gifts of wisdom, beauty, kindness, etc and how my mom and sister are like my very own good fairies.

We are all three of us so different to each other in so many ways, but also so similar in the ways that really count. Much of that stems from my beautiful mother. Not only is she beautiful on the outside, but is also one of those selfess and truly sincere individuals, whose purity of heart and brightness of soul radiates from her. Anyone who knows my mother even for a short time will describe her as a wonderful, caring person. One of the many valuable lessons I can take from her example is her work ethic. When my mom commits to doing something she gives it 200%. She always goes the extra mile expecting nothing in return. She does everything with passion and enthusiasm and is determined to do the best despitevany challenges she may encounter. She truly is a remarkable human being and I love her like crazy. I can only dream that I will possess even half of the beauty she posses inside. Then there is my younger sister. I have always admired her spunk and individuality. She is also an incredibly creative soul who also perceives the world with passion. Firdous is also one of those people you would be lucky to call a friend...she is cares deeply for her friends, is loyal, and is the is the one you go to when you need a listening ear. One of the things she and my mom share in common which I always admire is that they are very loving and affectionate women. They know how to make people feel special and are always looking for cute, quirky and funny ways to do so. She may be my younger sister who looks up to me, but in truth I have tons to learn from her too.

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