Yusuf's back molars are coming out. His gums are hot and swollen and all he wants to eat is porridge or yoghurt or his bottle. Couple all that with the attachment phase suddenly washing over him and you have a pretty sleepless, miserable child who just wants mummy to hold him. This is so out of character for him that despite all his troublesome baby woes you still see flashes of brilliant chirpyness and delight in between the whinging, whining and tantrums. Ah yes the tantrums! How could I forget to mention those. I thought they only reared their ugly head closer to two, but not little Yusuf! He is turning out to be a rather determined, knows-what-he-wants little individual who has discovered the fantastic communicative powers of the tantrum!
But this is not what I have turned to my blog to to confess. There have been a few restless nights this week, but all of them usually ended in a good stretch of sleep after about 1am. But last night was particularly horrible. Last night Yusuf woke unsettled at about 11am and try as I might he was in and out of sleep for the next 4 hours. And when he eventually did doze off sprawled across my ever growing belly where another baby tried to kick him off from the inside, it only lasted about an hour. So there I was up again at 4h30 putting him back to sleep with the threat of the weekly morning alarm looming. It was last night for the first time that I experienced those old familiar feelings I had many a night with Sumayah...this time toward Yusuf. With every time he woke again or stood up in his cot and cried or wriggled next to me in the bed to get to the tissue box or arched his back crying when I tried to hold him across my chest the feelings of frustration, turned irritation, turned anger, turned resentment, turned...yes I'll use that disgusting word no mother ever wants to admit...hate...those feelings metamorphosised in the silent darkness of the night. And as any mother whose experienced this will tell you, the night feels endless and those feelings eventually want to release from its cacoon into a river of tears. All the while your head tells you that you are just tired and your pregnant body is just uncomfortable and stiff from holding a baby inside and outside all night and that these negative emotions you are feeling are probably contributing to your child's sleeplessness...and then morning arrives and a new day begins and with it... a tired, hormonal, pregnant mother...with an enormous amount of guilt!
Guilt for feeling such bad things toward your soft, innocent, cuddly, lovable, little baby who just wanted mummy to make him feel better in the dark ugly night. Guilt for not helping him feel comforted, and guilt for still being irritated with him the next morning. But it's amazing what a cup of sweet, hot tea, a morning snooze and a good shower can do to refresh a tired soul. I made sure I spent some good quality time with Yusuf thus morning, pushing my to do list to one side to just BE with him. I made sure to give him lots of hugs and cuddles and kisses and even had a bit of a nap with him instead of using it as an opportunity to get stuff done. He is still crabby and miserable (as you would be if you had giant sharp teeth pushing through your soft tender gums). But we are friends again, and I think he knows that I love him.
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